Tuesday, November 20, 2007
8:11 AM -
yesterdays mascara
Current mood: angry
Category: Life
i dont recognize her.
this person i saw this morning.
swollen lips, red face, drippy nose and soaking wet sleeves.
he told me, in a song, then i decided not to listen.
im still trying to take off yesterdays mascara
with my fingers.
because now every one of my childhood memories, about all things beautiful, has been taken away
i have nothing left but sadness.
guess i better get to looking up those directions.
cuz i gotta get thru this alone.
but at least even i dont recognize me to notice.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Fragility
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
4:43 PM - fragility
Current mood: selective
Category: Writing and Poetry
Bruce carries my comfort, like sand, in the front pocket of his blue jeans with the lint and shiny pennies.
When he thinks about it for awhile, he lets me admire what it would be like to hold the comfort with him.
I get lucky enough to carry a few grains of sand for a few days at a time. Just long enough to for me to feel it, remember it, crave it.
Then he takes it all away with short notice and cold hands.
Sometimes, I get to carry the pennies, too. But most of the time I get lint with a little comfort in there somewhere. It's up to me to pick it all apart.
He tells me the pennies are lucky.
And lucky is how I feel.
Until I remember.
That is not all he's said.
I feel like it slips little by little through the seems of his pants. If only I could hold it for awhile and keep it safe... I'd take such good care...
But he said he doesnt want this much.
And I should really listen.
So I watch admirably instead.
He has those careful, quick fingers. They linger in his pockets while I wait like a loyal pet. Hopeful. Worried. Consumed with the anticipation of probably, maybe, sometime soon, and possibilities. There seems to be so much more than dirty rocky gritty *sand*. Why let it slip?
Soon it'll be all over the floor!
Sweep. Sweep. It's so darn beautiful it makes me ill.
Each time he digs deeper, he loses a little bit here. A little bit there. A Little more on the floor and I'm still watching. Sweeping it under another rug.
I wonder how many times I will watch wordless and increasingly skeptical.
I sure hope we can learn to share soon.
I'm certainly not going to become a maid who ends up collecting lucky pennies hoping to get lucky for once.
I'm looking for more.
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4:43 PM - fragility
Current mood: selective
Category: Writing and Poetry
Bruce carries my comfort, like sand, in the front pocket of his blue jeans with the lint and shiny pennies.
When he thinks about it for awhile, he lets me admire what it would be like to hold the comfort with him.
I get lucky enough to carry a few grains of sand for a few days at a time. Just long enough to for me to feel it, remember it, crave it.
Then he takes it all away with short notice and cold hands.
Sometimes, I get to carry the pennies, too. But most of the time I get lint with a little comfort in there somewhere. It's up to me to pick it all apart.
He tells me the pennies are lucky.
And lucky is how I feel.
Until I remember.
That is not all he's said.
I feel like it slips little by little through the seems of his pants. If only I could hold it for awhile and keep it safe... I'd take such good care...
But he said he doesnt want this much.
And I should really listen.
So I watch admirably instead.
He has those careful, quick fingers. They linger in his pockets while I wait like a loyal pet. Hopeful. Worried. Consumed with the anticipation of probably, maybe, sometime soon, and possibilities. There seems to be so much more than dirty rocky gritty *sand*. Why let it slip?
Soon it'll be all over the floor!
Sweep. Sweep. It's so darn beautiful it makes me ill.
Each time he digs deeper, he loses a little bit here. A little bit there. A Little more on the floor and I'm still watching. Sweeping it under another rug.
I wonder how many times I will watch wordless and increasingly skeptical.
I sure hope we can learn to share soon.
I'm certainly not going to become a maid who ends up collecting lucky pennies hoping to get lucky for once.
I'm looking for more.
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Monday, February 18, 2008
Faith vs. Cancer
Our lives can change so dramatically at any time.
I realize I wasted so much time being angry with God for givng my hero cancer.
It wasnt the cancer part that pissed me off.
It was watching a kind, gentle, perfect, loving, and worshiped human being be tortured for nearly 4 years. What kind of god DOES that?
But it was, and I imagine it still is, part of some plan. It took me THIS long to believe again. And I promise to hold strong.
I wish I could reach out to my cousins who are near the same age as my sister and I when my Dad was diagnosed. Just like us, they got this mega bomb dropped on them at such a time of growth and change.
No child/adult should have to figure out what it is like to be alone to pick out houses, change furnace filters, cradle their first baby, get married, get divorced two years later, blah blah, whatever it is...all alone.
But some of us do. and will. And we will be ok. It's finally ok with me that that IS my life. That is REALITY. I accept it now. I am not alone. I am just ON MY OWN.
50 is too young. and 42 is way too young. And it is just not fair.
Anyhoo. I know what they are going to go through together. fucking chemo. popsicles jello. car rides. haircuts.
Their mother is about to go through hell. And I hope it can get better. I hope they can keep their faith and not end up like I was.
We dont chose who come and go from our lives. We can, however, chose who touches us.
I wish I hadnt spent so much of the last..... shit....
7 years so unbelievably angry that I didnt let anyone touch my cold pissed unforgiving little bitchy heart.
I wish I could have held my faith and known I could be this cozy and warm, even in tough times.
I wish there were a way to pass that faith on to my family, without preaching and being a wierdo.
So i'll keep it in my actions and in my heart.
Hope pray give hugs be warm listen
and most of all
dont get angry
eh.. i just needed to ramble. ive got so much more to say.
so ill pass for now.
thanks. for all your prayers over the years.
to everyone i love, i love you.
I realize I wasted so much time being angry with God for givng my hero cancer.
It wasnt the cancer part that pissed me off.
It was watching a kind, gentle, perfect, loving, and worshiped human being be tortured for nearly 4 years. What kind of god DOES that?
But it was, and I imagine it still is, part of some plan. It took me THIS long to believe again. And I promise to hold strong.
I wish I could reach out to my cousins who are near the same age as my sister and I when my Dad was diagnosed. Just like us, they got this mega bomb dropped on them at such a time of growth and change.
No child/adult should have to figure out what it is like to be alone to pick out houses, change furnace filters, cradle their first baby, get married, get divorced two years later, blah blah, whatever it is...all alone.
But some of us do. and will. And we will be ok. It's finally ok with me that that IS my life. That is REALITY. I accept it now. I am not alone. I am just ON MY OWN.
50 is too young. and 42 is way too young. And it is just not fair.
Anyhoo. I know what they are going to go through together. fucking chemo. popsicles jello. car rides. haircuts.
Their mother is about to go through hell. And I hope it can get better. I hope they can keep their faith and not end up like I was.
We dont chose who come and go from our lives. We can, however, chose who touches us.
I wish I hadnt spent so much of the last..... shit....
7 years so unbelievably angry that I didnt let anyone touch my cold pissed unforgiving little bitchy heart.
I wish I could have held my faith and known I could be this cozy and warm, even in tough times.
I wish there were a way to pass that faith on to my family, without preaching and being a wierdo.
So i'll keep it in my actions and in my heart.
Hope pray give hugs be warm listen
and most of all
dont get angry
eh.. i just needed to ramble. ive got so much more to say.
so ill pass for now.
thanks. for all your prayers over the years.
to everyone i love, i love you.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
How far I've come in a few months time...
4:31 PM -
another monday night in Alanon
Current mood: anxious
Category: Life
I am looking forward to mondays now. Step two is a struggle thus far. I am to "Come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity."
As I go through the motions of writing my second step, I wonder... what would it be like to be "restored to sanity". ?
Do I know of any home that was "sane"? Will I freak out if spontaneously there is no crisis to endure, no reaction but simply action on my part? I am so used to bouncing off of others' actions and reacting to them I have no use for down time with others?
It is uncomfortable to me to just be still and calm. My mind wanders and I create crisis to get out. I always keep an out...I always need to stay one step ahead of the alcoholic, or anyone who I care about. Constantly thinking about their next move, or my next defense strategy. I'm exhausted.
This behavior is not working. It has never worked. It sabatoges my relationships. All of them. I need help. And I turn to my God. Yes I really did say that.
My solitude is my calm. The defenses I have errected are no longer useful and I must find a quiet medium. I have to leave the house. I have to be with those I care about, I want to keep them. Somethimes I am really good at getting out. Esp if it will be a busy time to focus on anyone other than myself. Concerts, people watching stuff involving business...I cant stand alone time with a person. I hate any form of intimacy. I'll never be comfortable. Will I? How will I know what is safe and when?
Yup. I know I will freak out and think the world is ending if all is peaceful and oh, God do I dare say, 'sane'. I must keep moving and keep working on this part before moving on.... The steps are in this order for a reason.
I hope that by thinking it out and opening myself for constructive criticism, I can guide myself, be guided and of course make sence to another.
Here goes,
I do believe, that with the help and trust of my higher power, I can find peace in my life. I know that after these last few months I had adopted some slogans and incorrporated them into my thoughts and I have, in many situations, used this new way of thinking.
I have taken some, not much, of my own moral inventory, done some 'cleaning out the closet' and evaluated my friendships closer than ever. Years ago, I decided I no longer wanted to be involved in the lives of those who use drugs, drink heavily or gossip frequently about others.
I want peace. I WILL find this! I want to keep friends, allow them to be themselves. I want to make funny faces, laugh out loud, express myself, and I want to be intimate, in any way, with another human being.
I don't need to rescue or look after drinkers anymore. whew. I dont feel like others really think I will just be boring if I want to the zoo rather than sit at a bar.
Anyhoo, I am not sure how strong my work has been on the second step but I am willing to move forward, again. (i flopped on my face at step 4 last time and started over)
I do believe that a power greater than myself is the only way I can find guidance and peace to come to know sanity. And by that time, I will not get scared of serenity.
another monday night in Alanon
Current mood: anxious
Category: Life
I am looking forward to mondays now. Step two is a struggle thus far. I am to "Come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity."
As I go through the motions of writing my second step, I wonder... what would it be like to be "restored to sanity". ?
Do I know of any home that was "sane"? Will I freak out if spontaneously there is no crisis to endure, no reaction but simply action on my part? I am so used to bouncing off of others' actions and reacting to them I have no use for down time with others?
It is uncomfortable to me to just be still and calm. My mind wanders and I create crisis to get out. I always keep an out...I always need to stay one step ahead of the alcoholic, or anyone who I care about. Constantly thinking about their next move, or my next defense strategy. I'm exhausted.
This behavior is not working. It has never worked. It sabatoges my relationships. All of them. I need help. And I turn to my God. Yes I really did say that.
My solitude is my calm. The defenses I have errected are no longer useful and I must find a quiet medium. I have to leave the house. I have to be with those I care about, I want to keep them. Somethimes I am really good at getting out. Esp if it will be a busy time to focus on anyone other than myself. Concerts, people watching stuff involving business...I cant stand alone time with a person. I hate any form of intimacy. I'll never be comfortable. Will I? How will I know what is safe and when?
Yup. I know I will freak out and think the world is ending if all is peaceful and oh, God do I dare say, 'sane'. I must keep moving and keep working on this part before moving on.... The steps are in this order for a reason.
I hope that by thinking it out and opening myself for constructive criticism, I can guide myself, be guided and of course make sence to another.
Here goes,
I do believe, that with the help and trust of my higher power, I can find peace in my life. I know that after these last few months I had adopted some slogans and incorrporated them into my thoughts and I have, in many situations, used this new way of thinking.
I have taken some, not much, of my own moral inventory, done some 'cleaning out the closet' and evaluated my friendships closer than ever. Years ago, I decided I no longer wanted to be involved in the lives of those who use drugs, drink heavily or gossip frequently about others.
I want peace. I WILL find this! I want to keep friends, allow them to be themselves. I want to make funny faces, laugh out loud, express myself, and I want to be intimate, in any way, with another human being.
I don't need to rescue or look after drinkers anymore. whew. I dont feel like others really think I will just be boring if I want to the zoo rather than sit at a bar.
Anyhoo, I am not sure how strong my work has been on the second step but I am willing to move forward, again. (i flopped on my face at step 4 last time and started over)
I do believe that a power greater than myself is the only way I can find guidance and peace to come to know sanity. And by that time, I will not get scared of serenity.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
New Years Eve in Alanon
It has been brought to my attention that some folks who loved my blogs on myspace, are missing my alanon writings I use to keep private and for only a few readers.
I will try to incorporate a few of these blogs into my new blogging patterns.
Here is some insight to what it is about, before I begin. I never thought I would be the person to say, this has changed my life. That this has (enter cliche b.s.) in such a way that I KNOW ALREADY I will commit my life, "One day at a time" to these steps. If anyone could read into my past, they will know, I can't commit to going to breakfast tomorrow until it is tomorrow and someone makes me go. I loved my solitude. I depend on no one, no program and certainly no God. Just me.
I had often blogged on myspace about alanon and it's influence. There is much work to do. A lifetime of thinking and changing. Changing my thinking for my lifetime. Changing the life I once loved so much as I began to see the patterns of the relationships I chose...(we wont go there today)
The reading that night left me feeling that, just like every monday for the last 7 months, I didn't want to go. But I knew it would offer some insight. Some direction. Some serentiy. And as usual, I was glad I drug myself out into the cold to make myself better. One day at a time.
Here is the reading in a nut...
" I realized I was listening to Alanons words of hope - hope I began to claim as my own, if I was willing to work the steps. When I felt boxed in by despair, you assured me that no situation is ever hopeless and I could find contentment, despite my mothers drinking." (OMG true)
"When I felt worn out from replaying scenarios in my mind, (me? replay, sha!) I could put my problems in their TRUE perspective and they would begin to lose their power to dominate." (they f-in did!)
"I could take what I'd like and leave the rest." ( of the slogans steps, advice, words)
"You pointed out my choices, when all I'd known were rules and appearances. You claimed that you loved me, even when I HATED myself, and that I would learn to LOVE YOU, too. You offered me hugs, phone numbers, sponsorship, and I'd hadn't 'earned them'
I didnt know what a loving interchange was.
"I didnt know what a loving interchange was, until you took time to SHOW me."
Thanks to alanon, for the persistent repetition of these hope filled words and ACTIONS.
Gradually they came true for me.
They really really did.
"If you try to keep an open mind, you will find help. You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened.
And with all this that I have learned, I have made it through the toughest year I have ever had, ever.
And I know love. Real, unearned, unconditional, guiltless, effortless returned love.
Thank God.
I am writing with tears welling, gratitude doesn't begin to touch what I am feeling. I didnt think I deserved to be truely accepted, to be held without guilt, to be able to call for help, to laugh and cry without judgements and mostly to be understood and guided. All without the promise of anything in return.
I could go on all night...
but i wont.
Its only the beginning!
I let it begin with me by letting go and letting God one day at a time.
I will try to incorporate a few of these blogs into my new blogging patterns.
Here is some insight to what it is about, before I begin. I never thought I would be the person to say, this has changed my life. That this has (enter cliche b.s.) in such a way that I KNOW ALREADY I will commit my life, "One day at a time" to these steps. If anyone could read into my past, they will know, I can't commit to going to breakfast tomorrow until it is tomorrow and someone makes me go. I loved my solitude. I depend on no one, no program and certainly no God. Just me.
I had often blogged on myspace about alanon and it's influence. There is much work to do. A lifetime of thinking and changing. Changing my thinking for my lifetime. Changing the life I once loved so much as I began to see the patterns of the relationships I chose...(we wont go there today)
The reading that night left me feeling that, just like every monday for the last 7 months, I didn't want to go. But I knew it would offer some insight. Some direction. Some serentiy. And as usual, I was glad I drug myself out into the cold to make myself better. One day at a time.
Here is the reading in a nut...
" I realized I was listening to Alanons words of hope - hope I began to claim as my own, if I was willing to work the steps. When I felt boxed in by despair, you assured me that no situation is ever hopeless and I could find contentment, despite my mothers drinking." (OMG true)
"When I felt worn out from replaying scenarios in my mind, (me? replay, sha!) I could put my problems in their TRUE perspective and they would begin to lose their power to dominate." (they f-in did!)
"I could take what I'd like and leave the rest." ( of the slogans steps, advice, words)
"You pointed out my choices, when all I'd known were rules and appearances. You claimed that you loved me, even when I HATED myself, and that I would learn to LOVE YOU, too. You offered me hugs, phone numbers, sponsorship, and I'd hadn't 'earned them'
I didnt know what a loving interchange was.
"I didnt know what a loving interchange was, until you took time to SHOW me."
Thanks to alanon, for the persistent repetition of these hope filled words and ACTIONS.
Gradually they came true for me.
They really really did.
"If you try to keep an open mind, you will find help. You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened.
And with all this that I have learned, I have made it through the toughest year I have ever had, ever.
And I know love. Real, unearned, unconditional, guiltless, effortless returned love.
Thank God.
I am writing with tears welling, gratitude doesn't begin to touch what I am feeling. I didnt think I deserved to be truely accepted, to be held without guilt, to be able to call for help, to laugh and cry without judgements and mostly to be understood and guided. All without the promise of anything in return.
I could go on all night...
but i wont.
Its only the beginning!
I let it begin with me by letting go and letting God one day at a time.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Excerpt from the Salt War
I might be bored. And making shit up.
This is what I am thinking right now, and no, i will not be editing. this is me raw. and rambling for no reason other than... i am soooo freaking bored. pen to paper, no looking back...
So if I am just walking around, pushing envelopes and watching them bend, am I holding anything?
Today I ventured out into some freezing rain and it was freezing.
I was craving a shiver when I saw her there. Laughing to herself, kneeling down playing with pebbles. I thought, "Why is she kneeling in the rain on the ground?"
I got my shiver as i glanced over my shoulder and it was you again. But , there was no one there. It was only my hair, a shadow there where I thought you were.
And back to she, with salt crusted a good, well, 4 inches or so up her legs. Dried on to the black polyester of her pants just dragging in the street across sidewalks, torn and worn tight molded to her like my hands had been just days before on her hips.
Laughing. Infatuated.
I am guessing she had found something there on the ground. Something other than rain and broken glass or hearts like ours just laying there. Being run over and over and salted like tears on our cheeks. Does she wear this salt on her face like her pants, til wash? huh?
I love her, this full lippy, laughy, hippy, giggly carrier of pebbles and things to put them in.
I have no idea what i am saying anymore.
My point is.. I saw her stand up and put something in the envelope. The one I thought I had in my seemingly empty pockets full of change...
And it was big, and lumpy. Not a coat button or a zipper, something she held close to her heart that day and she walked away while I waited for the rain to freeze.
This is what I am thinking right now, and no, i will not be editing. this is me raw. and rambling for no reason other than... i am soooo freaking bored. pen to paper, no looking back...
So if I am just walking around, pushing envelopes and watching them bend, am I holding anything?
Today I ventured out into some freezing rain and it was freezing.
I was craving a shiver when I saw her there. Laughing to herself, kneeling down playing with pebbles. I thought, "Why is she kneeling in the rain on the ground?"
I got my shiver as i glanced over my shoulder and it was you again. But , there was no one there. It was only my hair, a shadow there where I thought you were.
And back to she, with salt crusted a good, well, 4 inches or so up her legs. Dried on to the black polyester of her pants just dragging in the street across sidewalks, torn and worn tight molded to her like my hands had been just days before on her hips.
Laughing. Infatuated.
I am guessing she had found something there on the ground. Something other than rain and broken glass or hearts like ours just laying there. Being run over and over and salted like tears on our cheeks. Does she wear this salt on her face like her pants, til wash? huh?
I love her, this full lippy, laughy, hippy, giggly carrier of pebbles and things to put them in.
I have no idea what i am saying anymore.
My point is.. I saw her stand up and put something in the envelope. The one I thought I had in my seemingly empty pockets full of change...
And it was big, and lumpy. Not a coat button or a zipper, something she held close to her heart that day and she walked away while I waited for the rain to freeze.
Dead quiet
Wednesday, May 17, 2006 4:17 PM
Current mood: drained
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
DEAD QUIET
I was holding my breath until the sound of the silence startled me.
It was so quiet I was unsure if it had ever happened at all. Sort of like a bubble bursting into the air. "Pop". So sudden and spontaneous.
Then there was blood all over and beeping and metallic things crashing, falling like the pressures in still veins. And then there was nothing at all.
Like she never happened at all. Like not a single one of us were really... "there" or here.
And no one really "comes back".
"Pop". We blink and we are done. Don't hold your breath..
To everyone I love.. I love you.
<3 Enjoy the sunshine of today.
Current mood: drained
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
DEAD QUIET
I was holding my breath until the sound of the silence startled me.
It was so quiet I was unsure if it had ever happened at all. Sort of like a bubble bursting into the air. "Pop". So sudden and spontaneous.
Then there was blood all over and beeping and metallic things crashing, falling like the pressures in still veins. And then there was nothing at all.
Like she never happened at all. Like not a single one of us were really... "there" or here.
And no one really "comes back".
"Pop". We blink and we are done. Don't hold your breath..
To everyone I love.. I love you.
<3 Enjoy the sunshine of today.
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