Saturday, October 06, 2007 8:27 PM -
Current mood: lonely
Category: Writing and Poetry
Just Deserts
Half of her doesn't even exist.
She stormed in as if she owned the place. All bitchy and flawless.
I rage with jealousy, it consumes me, these perfectly normal wretched beasts of bitches who have it all.
I mean come on. I make some damn good chili. I may not have saltines but I do have tortilla chips with sour cream to scoop it up.
In my opinion, what I have to offer....it's way better.
But I'd get some crackers if I'd have a reason to. I've got grape kool-aid to share, and a half a bottle of merlot I opened a week ago.
I'll try. To be better than her.
I must have something desirable to offer, something to bring.
I know I got it...
Something that someone, somewhere can put some effort into even though I'm not willing to offer anything sweet later.
So she can waltz in and take over. Offer more and take control.
I'll wait to share more than dinner, thank you.
I dont know, im just lonely and wish i could snuggle on my couch, but all I was to anyone is...
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
A new reason to put this day in history
It sure does feel good to be out and about with my peeps again.There is life after loss. Life after this last mid Novemeber. Life after we put him to rest.March 2, 2004.
Today I will open my fortune cookie that I got on my way to the funeral 4 years ago.I will go on with my life without guilt because this life is fantastic. its up to me how much i really lose. I always have wanted to be alone on this week of the year. But why? No one understands?
Bullshit. I couldnt have been more wrong and it exploded right in my face, on my shoes and all over my scrubs.
there is life all around us.
Life after great parties, up all night, daydreaming while I should be sleeping, innocently snuggling with strangers and
a normal call shift the morning after can remind me of this fact of life...
2 MINUTES,
6 BEEPERS,
4 SURGICAL MASKS
Mom, Dad, Unborn child.
too MANY LIVEScan change. Like that.
And I you dont get to do it again. But if I can look back at yesterday knowing I did my best for total strangers. can I say I have done much for those I love?
I didnt think I could do it alone, or with anyone these last few months. I didnt know how to lean, to trust, to grieve so amny things all at once, to know that you guys would be there tomorow if I could not laugh, could not feel my own face, I could not offer anything but little me. So I went away until I could figure out what tomorrow might hold. I thought I'd come back when I'm all better, less stressed and had something to be proud of again. I forgot to offer myself my own tomorrow. waitingwaiting for validation.
But now I know. And now its me again. And I feel just as loved as ever. Showing up alone and proud of it. Happily being fabulous, embracing life despite loss. I couldnt hide from the pain, but I certainly could run from it.
I learned that life happens to EVERYBODY, at all hours of the day. And all we can do is hope we have enough people to operate if needed.
I made a big mistake. One that I had not yet made. And all I can do is look forward and keep my chin in Gods hands if I cant hold it up on my own.
Because being swept away doesnt make the hurt go away for long. Eventually the hurt has to come out. And no one else knows how to hold my head up but me. Those who love me, really do, no matter what kind of crisis I think I have to hide. It's ok to let them see through me.
Thanks to everyone who knew what it means to grieve, to hide, to run away with strangers, to come back when they cant fix it, to everyone who knows how to make good nachos, to the kid who played with my hair without me asking.
and to everyone who listened to my day yesterday until my cell phone died. At least that was all...
I've never in all my life been so scared and so happy in that order in the same two minutes.And everyone made it out alive.
Even me.
"Plan your graduation party with Leeann Chin Delivery."
"You have no problems in your home that you will not be able to solve."
Today I will open my fortune cookie that I got on my way to the funeral 4 years ago.I will go on with my life without guilt because this life is fantastic. its up to me how much i really lose. I always have wanted to be alone on this week of the year. But why? No one understands?
Bullshit. I couldnt have been more wrong and it exploded right in my face, on my shoes and all over my scrubs.
there is life all around us.
Life after great parties, up all night, daydreaming while I should be sleeping, innocently snuggling with strangers and
a normal call shift the morning after can remind me of this fact of life...
2 MINUTES,
6 BEEPERS,
4 SURGICAL MASKS
Mom, Dad, Unborn child.
too MANY LIVEScan change. Like that.
And I you dont get to do it again. But if I can look back at yesterday knowing I did my best for total strangers. can I say I have done much for those I love?
I didnt think I could do it alone, or with anyone these last few months. I didnt know how to lean, to trust, to grieve so amny things all at once, to know that you guys would be there tomorow if I could not laugh, could not feel my own face, I could not offer anything but little me. So I went away until I could figure out what tomorrow might hold. I thought I'd come back when I'm all better, less stressed and had something to be proud of again. I forgot to offer myself my own tomorrow. waitingwaiting for validation.
But now I know. And now its me again. And I feel just as loved as ever. Showing up alone and proud of it. Happily being fabulous, embracing life despite loss. I couldnt hide from the pain, but I certainly could run from it.
I learned that life happens to EVERYBODY, at all hours of the day. And all we can do is hope we have enough people to operate if needed.
I made a big mistake. One that I had not yet made. And all I can do is look forward and keep my chin in Gods hands if I cant hold it up on my own.
Because being swept away doesnt make the hurt go away for long. Eventually the hurt has to come out. And no one else knows how to hold my head up but me. Those who love me, really do, no matter what kind of crisis I think I have to hide. It's ok to let them see through me.
Thanks to everyone who knew what it means to grieve, to hide, to run away with strangers, to come back when they cant fix it, to everyone who knows how to make good nachos, to the kid who played with my hair without me asking.
and to everyone who listened to my day yesterday until my cell phone died. At least that was all...
I've never in all my life been so scared and so happy in that order in the same two minutes.And everyone made it out alive.
Even me.
"Plan your graduation party with Leeann Chin Delivery."
"You have no problems in your home that you will not be able to solve."
Friday, April 4, 2008
Happy Fucking new year (2003)
Standing on the outside is colder than the feelings I've never had for you.
Frozen in time fluttering
Frostingless flakes falling
like my hands to my sides.
Confetti clumps, soft brown ringlets
of hair
bruising with impact
this memory floats slowly to the ground
sinking with me into the bright white blinding.
I draw.
Conclusions, images, powder in your nose.
I'd seen through your dirty fingers
and my bleeding, pleading elbows.
Lying, so they say,
positioned
where I belong.
Wringing my hands in the snow
all I see now
now clumps of hair in my hands.
I can't get rid of this...
And I am
an object stunned
blinking, thinking, wishing you away
This repulsive friendship has gone terribly wrong.
but its gone like the high you are chasing
*This story is not based on actual events. So don't freak out*
Frozen in time fluttering
Frostingless flakes falling
like my hands to my sides.
Confetti clumps, soft brown ringlets
of hair
bruising with impact
this memory floats slowly to the ground
sinking with me into the bright white blinding.
I draw.
Conclusions, images, powder in your nose.
I'd seen through your dirty fingers
and my bleeding, pleading elbows.
Lying, so they say,
positioned
where I belong.
Wringing my hands in the snow
all I see now
now clumps of hair in my hands.
I can't get rid of this...
And I am
an object stunned
blinking, thinking, wishing you away
This repulsive friendship has gone terribly wrong.
but its gone like the high you are chasing
*This story is not based on actual events. So don't freak out*
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Out from under the bus
Bi life.
She had one of those contagious smiles.
Filled with sarcasm and guilt.
The kind of smirk that made me wonder if she had more to offer than a handshake.
We walked in silence, tiptoeing around the subject.
Our paths had crossed this street several times
while we had worn one another's shoes.
That was how close we had been at twenty.
This time it was going to get harder, the streets were now concrete.
There would be no what if, how about now, how about never agains.
This was us, in our own shoes, forgetting what it had been like to walk in the other's.
I'm not sure what brought her here in the rain seventeen years later.
Her lips were just as familiar as the jasmine in her hair. I wanted her to keep me entertained in the rain.
Away from it all.
On the safer side of the street, she and shes and theys could never splatter me on this new road. I've walked too far...
"We just didn't have enough time to stand under the streetlights waiting for busses to run us down." she whispered.
"So we threw ourselves at them, one after another, just waiting for them to slow down to see us." I never did care to look at where they all were going.
She came to tell me she had missed this bus. It was only a matter of time before there will be another.
So we stood shaking hands politely in the rain, learning lessons we had learned before.
It is softer on the other side of the road.
So we can relax for now, patiently, in the grass watching the world full of stinking buses pass us by.
we have so much more time than this.
crap in a hat i have to finish this thought later.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
clips of my 26th year
9:20 AM - clips
Current mood: betrayed
It was one of those cold days in the park. We stood in a puddle of melting snow and smoked with certainty. We had a true dislike for each other despite our history.
His sister really couldnt do anything about it. She remained hopeful we would give it a 37th try. But we were smokers now. And that was devastatingly as disgusting as the way he felt about me.She had hoped we would have been one of those happily ever after stories. The kind like she was living. In a house with a fence and a dog that shits on the deck. She had one of those boyfriends who never cleaned up the shit.
But I just don't believe anyomore.
I use to dream of all the things that little girls dream of.
I never knew what it was I did differently than the rest of em. Why I couldnt' bring us to succeed.
Why I had to be the fool that fell face first.
So I had to distract the others from staring at my broken face.I did it by blowing smoke in everyones ill little faces and taking jabs at the lives they lived.
I had changed. I no longer dreamt the dreams that we have to start hiding in our 25th year. No more hope for homes with fences and white dresses. No chance at the kind of comsuming uncomfortable inconvenient, all a girl can think about before she falls asleep kind of love.
Jealousy is the root of all evil and it was all I held on to. Angry that I had thought I had what they flaunted. I'm so sick of all the rings and shiny things. I'll pay someone to just hold my cold little hand and lie to me again.
26. jaded. cold. alone. bored. hopeless.
Current mood: betrayed
It was one of those cold days in the park. We stood in a puddle of melting snow and smoked with certainty. We had a true dislike for each other despite our history.
His sister really couldnt do anything about it. She remained hopeful we would give it a 37th try. But we were smokers now. And that was devastatingly as disgusting as the way he felt about me.She had hoped we would have been one of those happily ever after stories. The kind like she was living. In a house with a fence and a dog that shits on the deck. She had one of those boyfriends who never cleaned up the shit.
But I just don't believe anyomore.
I use to dream of all the things that little girls dream of.
I never knew what it was I did differently than the rest of em. Why I couldnt' bring us to succeed.
Why I had to be the fool that fell face first.
So I had to distract the others from staring at my broken face.I did it by blowing smoke in everyones ill little faces and taking jabs at the lives they lived.
I had changed. I no longer dreamt the dreams that we have to start hiding in our 25th year. No more hope for homes with fences and white dresses. No chance at the kind of comsuming uncomfortable inconvenient, all a girl can think about before she falls asleep kind of love.
Jealousy is the root of all evil and it was all I held on to. Angry that I had thought I had what they flaunted. I'm so sick of all the rings and shiny things. I'll pay someone to just hold my cold little hand and lie to me again.
26. jaded. cold. alone. bored. hopeless.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Shoe fetish
4:18 AM - Why Adam P. says I'm not worthy of finding true love
Current mood: cold
Category: Writing and Poetry
I remember the embarassment. Of being found out.
To know that someone has seen the places I hide what is most private to me.
I'll come out with everything. My pj's are under my pillow and I am shy when i brush my teeth. I try not to chew doritos in anyone's ears and I swear to tell the truth.
I'll always want to explain myself. To everyone. I'll be found out eventually. I'll start telling everyone everything and hope for the best. I am the daughter who is most hated. I am the failure the fraud and the whore for wearing red hand me down shorts when I was ten. Even though it was my mother who chose my clothing, I was a whore for putting it on.
I use to reach for her in my sleep. And cry when she was not there. I would wait up all night waiting for her to come home and sleep the moment she walked in. Was it comfort or fear? I'm finding out it was both.
I was the girl in class who could not explain my eyes. Who dared not borrow your pencil.
I'll never ask for anything I cannot do myself. I'll never set myself up for that kind of dissapointment and I'll swear to tell you the truth. and duck when you find me out.
I'll find excuses for your every inexcusable behavior and somehow it will all be my fault.
Thank God for my life and thank god that I am here. Thank god that I KNOW without a doubt that anyone I will EVER love will not be there for me tomorrow.
these are the examples I've been shown
take me or leave me. accept me or leave me.
Either way you'll all leave me.
The person you see does not exist. I am nothing but a constant reminder of sadness and my fears are on my sleeves. My loyalty never bends, breaks or fades I'll tolerate anything and it will be all I know.
I have a shoe fetish.
Because I have spent my whole life looking down on myself
Current mood: cold
Category: Writing and Poetry
I remember the embarassment. Of being found out.
To know that someone has seen the places I hide what is most private to me.
I'll come out with everything. My pj's are under my pillow and I am shy when i brush my teeth. I try not to chew doritos in anyone's ears and I swear to tell the truth.
I'll always want to explain myself. To everyone. I'll be found out eventually. I'll start telling everyone everything and hope for the best. I am the daughter who is most hated. I am the failure the fraud and the whore for wearing red hand me down shorts when I was ten. Even though it was my mother who chose my clothing, I was a whore for putting it on.
I use to reach for her in my sleep. And cry when she was not there. I would wait up all night waiting for her to come home and sleep the moment she walked in. Was it comfort or fear? I'm finding out it was both.
I was the girl in class who could not explain my eyes. Who dared not borrow your pencil.
I'll never ask for anything I cannot do myself. I'll never set myself up for that kind of dissapointment and I'll swear to tell you the truth. and duck when you find me out.
I'll find excuses for your every inexcusable behavior and somehow it will all be my fault.
Thank God for my life and thank god that I am here. Thank god that I KNOW without a doubt that anyone I will EVER love will not be there for me tomorrow.
these are the examples I've been shown
take me or leave me. accept me or leave me.
Either way you'll all leave me.
The person you see does not exist. I am nothing but a constant reminder of sadness and my fears are on my sleeves. My loyalty never bends, breaks or fades I'll tolerate anything and it will be all I know.
I have a shoe fetish.
Because I have spent my whole life looking down on myself
In God's hands
Saturday, November 17, 2007
7:01 PM -
everything under my chin
Current mood: guilty
Category: Writing and Poetry
its an appropriate amount of numb. A measurable tangible amount of non feeling. or not. god i dont know what i feel.
Suicide? god no, how could you, she didnt its not true. please take it back.
If I werent numb already I would be by now. What am I?
There is nothing brushing against my face again.
nothing against the cheek i cant feel and the chin i cant hold up on my own, i am melting into my own tingling nerving nonexistance.
I have no one to sit with me while I am still.
I am desparate to feel it. Hit me, once twice or six times.
Pinch me awake to function. Roll me over and let me breathe. Give her back.
I am at a loss for words. I feel too much loss to actually feel.
fuck
now what
I picture myself standing in front of someone, anyone taller than I.
Standing with my face in his hands looking down.
The numb side of my jaw cupped in the small palm of his right hand.
My hair just brushing the top of his hand as he holds my ear between bony fingers.
All I know is, there is a thumb on my face, and I should be aware of so much more.
And he becomes you, as I becomes one defiantly fragile part of we.
And we are just an energy waiting for your love to keep us.
We stand at her grave with empty eyes hoping to take it all in. This bigger picture, this bigger part of your plan. Can you visualize the guilt on our shoulders?
I never want this honest moment to end.
See right through me as we become we all.
Hold us there until I can feel the pressure to crumble to my own knees before you.
Come with me to the floor and hold me there.
Hold my chin up while I have no thoughts. Feel my warm tears?
Take the pain of those years I've seen and those I could not, can not, hope to not have to--- help. God help her, and we and him, her again, us and I.
We need you right now.
7:01 PM -
everything under my chin
Current mood: guilty
Category: Writing and Poetry
its an appropriate amount of numb. A measurable tangible amount of non feeling. or not. god i dont know what i feel.
Suicide? god no, how could you, she didnt its not true. please take it back.
If I werent numb already I would be by now. What am I?
There is nothing brushing against my face again.
nothing against the cheek i cant feel and the chin i cant hold up on my own, i am melting into my own tingling nerving nonexistance.
I have no one to sit with me while I am still.
I am desparate to feel it. Hit me, once twice or six times.
Pinch me awake to function. Roll me over and let me breathe. Give her back.
I am at a loss for words. I feel too much loss to actually feel.
fuck
now what
I picture myself standing in front of someone, anyone taller than I.
Standing with my face in his hands looking down.
The numb side of my jaw cupped in the small palm of his right hand.
My hair just brushing the top of his hand as he holds my ear between bony fingers.
All I know is, there is a thumb on my face, and I should be aware of so much more.
And he becomes you, as I becomes one defiantly fragile part of we.
And we are just an energy waiting for your love to keep us.
We stand at her grave with empty eyes hoping to take it all in. This bigger picture, this bigger part of your plan. Can you visualize the guilt on our shoulders?
I never want this honest moment to end.
See right through me as we become we all.
Hold us there until I can feel the pressure to crumble to my own knees before you.
Come with me to the floor and hold me there.
Hold my chin up while I have no thoughts. Feel my warm tears?
Take the pain of those years I've seen and those I could not, can not, hope to not have to--- help. God help her, and we and him, her again, us and I.
We need you right now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
