futile attempt

futile. incapable of producing any result; ineffective; useless; not successful: Attempting to force-feed the sick horse was futile. Is it also a feeling? I am hoping for the best in this transition. To have made a firm decision, in a real partnership, to leave a talent behind for a few years to take the chance of possibly strengthening it.... tough choice. Nothing worth having comes easy. Like relationships. It would be so much easier to be alone. But I am committed to stick around until one of us can find a way to fuck it up. So I keep rambling, hoping for some revelation and some pancakes. Watching the travel channel makes me want things I don't know I need. But I need 'em. I wonder about my choices since losing my job almost a year ago. I've tried like hell to find another, was complimented on my accomplishments just to watch others get the job instead. I feel that my decision is sort of a cop out. That if I am a student, I can get away with being broke, uninsured, injured and living with pain and hoping for a future. I made some kick ass money. And its gone. I have too many choices and I picked just one. I AM following the dream I've dreamt for 13 years. So I wonder. Do I have faith in myself and what I've done? uh huh. huh. ok. Y. ? I wonder about...