Sunday, November 15, 2009

futile attempt

incapable of producing any result; ineffective; useless; not successful: Attempting to force-feed the sick horse was futile.

Is it also a feeling? I am hoping for the best in this transition. To have made a firm decision, in a real partnership, to leave a talent behind for a few years to take the chance of possibly strengthening it.... tough choice.

Nothing worth having comes easy.

Like relationships. It would be so much easier to be alone. But I am committed to stick around until one of us can find a way to fuck it up.

So I keep rambling, hoping for some revelation and some pancakes.
Watching the travel channel makes me want things I don't know I need. But I need 'em.

I wonder about my choices since losing my job almost a year ago. I've tried like hell to find another, was complimented on my accomplishments just to watch others get the job instead.
I feel that my decision is sort of a cop out. That if I am a student, I can get away with being broke, uninsured, injured and living with pain and hoping for a future. I made some kick ass money.

And its gone.
I have too many choices and I picked just one. I AM following the dream I've dreamt for 13 years.

So I wonder. Do I have faith in myself and what I've done?

uh huh.

I wonder about my car and my needs. I have everything I need a mile away. And I pay 700 month to store it, gas it, wash it, own it, insure it, replace the broken vandalized windows a few times. But I short sold my house and now my 782 credit score is a memory.
Like my friends.

I wonder where my oddest most hurtful old two friends are...
the ones I decided I did not need.
The ones who stood by me long enough for me to toss em out. The brainy one who was too unstable to know that help is needed. And the mother who wanted pity, someone to talk to and a child no matter how it will grow up.

I wonder if I made the right choice.

I did.

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