Monday, November 30, 2009

shit

i miss writing.

the welcoming solitude i associate with it and the fact i use to have a few beers in the fridge.

my life was never really all that bad.

i feel like it sort of looks good on paper today.

peace out.

ill try again tomorrow.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

futile attempt

futile.
incapable of producing any result; ineffective; useless; not successful: Attempting to force-feed the sick horse was futile.

Is it also a feeling? I am hoping for the best in this transition. To have made a firm decision, in a real partnership, to leave a talent behind for a few years to take the chance of possibly strengthening it.... tough choice.

Nothing worth having comes easy.

Like relationships. It would be so much easier to be alone. But I am committed to stick around until one of us can find a way to fuck it up.

So I keep rambling, hoping for some revelation and some pancakes.
Watching the travel channel makes me want things I don't know I need. But I need 'em.

I wonder about my choices since losing my job almost a year ago. I've tried like hell to find another, was complimented on my accomplishments just to watch others get the job instead.
I feel that my decision is sort of a cop out. That if I am a student, I can get away with being broke, uninsured, injured and living with pain and hoping for a future. I made some kick ass money.

And its gone.
I have too many choices and I picked just one. I AM following the dream I've dreamt for 13 years.

So I wonder. Do I have faith in myself and what I've done?

uh huh.
huh.
ok.
Y.
?

I wonder about my car and my needs. I have everything I need a mile away. And I pay 700 month to store it, gas it, wash it, own it, insure it, replace the broken vandalized windows a few times. But I short sold my house and now my 782 credit score is a memory.
Like my friends.




I wonder where my oddest most hurtful old two friends are...
the ones I decided I did not need.
The ones who stood by me long enough for me to toss em out. The brainy one who was too unstable to know that help is needed. And the mother who wanted pity, someone to talk to and a child no matter how it will grow up.

I wonder if I made the right choice.

I did.

out of practice

It has been 8 months since I last attempted to blog.

To be honest, I think I have lost the ability to communicate. I stutter with words, I lose interest in my own stories. I have heard them all before.

There has to be something out the to inspire me.

But I have nothing but a beginning that I have yet to begin. A story to write eventually.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Fruitless and failing

I can see my happiness growing out of arms reach.
Balancing carefully on his fingertips as I watch him grow taller.

He has transformed from my rock to my tree.
Swaying in the wind I am creating to expose his branches.
He has become something to stare at.
Fruitless and bare.

The climb is unfamiliar on my way up to this happiness I feel he holds up there.
If I shake him it never falls down.

And so I chase after it, wrapping my legs around him one by one.
I pull myself closer and each time I fall I land flat and confused.
Arms scratched and ego bruised, I get up.

I shake him again.

If only I would realize...

He would meet me half way if I learned to stop creating the wind and see that he is not that much taller than I.

Monday, February 9, 2009

quick update

I am finally at peace with the unemployment situation

There are about 4 professional leads that I am super excited about and I have just finished training in a super fun bar/restaurant that I think I will like eventually.

That is all for now, I just wanted folks to know I'm up and on my feet and having a great time in this life, once again.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

we did it

We have dreamt a dream and it has come true.

I believe we can now achieve anything and it can be done.

The man who is now our country's leader may not live up to all of the fairy tales we have created of him to achieve for us, but he will, I believe, do his very best as a human being with thoughts and morals.

And that, is all any of us can do.

And we did.

Peace and Love to everyone.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

More truth than I have told

At the end of my search for kinkos/fedex copiers and two printers of my own that do not work I went to the bar for pizza and hot wings... and while I was waiting a little Summit EPA.

How fabulous it was. The only thing worthwhile to crash into on my way home was a mail truck that was not delivering any mortgage payments for me.

I have had it.
This will be one for the passion blog of unedited rants I will delete at a later time..

I stepped onto the sidewalk outside a familiar hospital. I felt I had been here once before or 365 times 5 years.
There were footprints. none of which were mine. I had been nothing but my own shivering memory of a girl no one could recall.
Or were they my prints? I couldnt identify just one, maybe I am just an old memory to myself. No one knows I have ever existed at all.
If I start smoking, someone will notice.
Times long ago and moments past like the one I just had were too quickly forgotten. I am nothing to anyone.

At home it was more of the same.

I came in like I always do. Responsibly one drink drunk and sobbing. I threw things...
coats and scarves and mittens all over the floor.
How could anyone want to throw sauce ontop of pizza? Why not expose every bit of what I came for.

I feel I have been mislead. I paid for gorgeousness and pepperonnis. I have to uncover it all bit by smelly bit.

i dont know what i am rambling about.
i use to have it all
plus story telling ablility.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

an existence sent spinning

It's 2pm and my broken ego is some where at the bottom of this bottle of Corona.
Of course there was only one waaaaaaaay in the back of the fridge. You would think I woulda seen it sooner... empty as the fridge is these days.
Losing my job finally hit me last night at about 6pm... it really is a loss...omg. I have no identity after 9 years of being super...

This is my official day off from job hunting. I am all outta shampoo and ready to commit to the cheap stuff.
It, like my life right now, is smelly and not worth much at all,
I'm sure it
is just going down the drain anyway....

but on the upside...

No more freezing, no more tears no more sucky jobs that last for years. No more pain and no more insults... I feel so fabulously free.

Another subject,

i could watch the steam rise up in front of my overslept face and sigh as it dissipates into nothingness.
i envy the simplicity of it all...
up, up and away.

Calgone? Take me away from this. Away from the uncertainty and the pride.

I toss my ego into the recycling bin. Along with my single, ever so refreshing bottle....

there it goes.

i will return to the tub until i spin further down the drain of nonexistence.