Monday, February 18, 2008

Faith vs. Cancer

Our lives can change so dramatically at any time.
I realize I wasted so much time being angry with God for givng my hero cancer.

It wasnt the cancer part that pissed me off.
It was watching a kind, gentle, perfect, loving, and worshiped human being be tortured for nearly 4 years. What kind of god DOES that?
But it was, and I imagine it still is, part of some plan. It took me THIS long to believe again. And I promise to hold strong.

I wish I could reach out to my cousins who are near the same age as my sister and I when my Dad was diagnosed. Just like us, they got this mega bomb dropped on them at such a time of growth and change.
No child/adult should have to figure out what it is like to be alone to pick out houses, change furnace filters, cradle their first baby, get married, get divorced two years later, blah blah, whatever it is...all alone.
But some of us do. and will. And we will be ok. It's finally ok with me that that IS my life. That is REALITY. I accept it now. I am not alone. I am just ON MY OWN.
50 is too young. and 42 is way too young. And it is just not fair.
Anyhoo. I know what they are going to go through together. fucking chemo. popsicles jello. car rides. haircuts.
Their mother is about to go through hell. And I hope it can get better. I hope they can keep their faith and not end up like I was.

We dont chose who come and go from our lives. We can, however, chose who touches us.
I wish I hadnt spent so much of the last..... shit....
7 years so unbelievably angry that I didnt let anyone touch my cold pissed unforgiving little bitchy heart.
I wish I could have held my faith and known I could be this cozy and warm, even in tough times.
I wish there were a way to pass that faith on to my family, without preaching and being a wierdo.

So i'll keep it in my actions and in my heart.
Hope pray give hugs be warm listen
and most of all
dont get angry

eh.. i just needed to ramble. ive got so much more to say.

so ill pass for now.
thanks. for all your prayers over the years.

to everyone i love, i love you.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

How far I've come in a few months time...

4:31 PM -
another monday night in Alanon
Current mood: anxious
Category: Life
I am looking forward to mondays now. Step two is a struggle thus far. I am to "Come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity."
As I go through the motions of writing my second step, I wonder... what would it be like to be "restored to sanity". ?
Do I know of any home that was "sane"? Will I freak out if spontaneously there is no crisis to endure, no reaction but simply action on my part? I am so used to bouncing off of others' actions and reacting to them I have no use for down time with others?
It is uncomfortable to me to just be still and calm. My mind wanders and I create crisis to get out. I always keep an out...I always need to stay one step ahead of the alcoholic, or anyone who I care about. Constantly thinking about their next move, or my next defense strategy. I'm exhausted.
This behavior is not working. It has never worked. It sabatoges my relationships. All of them. I need help. And I turn to my God. Yes I really did say that.
My solitude is my calm. The defenses I have errected are no longer useful and I must find a quiet medium. I have to leave the house. I have to be with those I care about, I want to keep them. Somethimes I am really good at getting out. Esp if it will be a busy time to focus on anyone other than myself. Concerts, people watching stuff involving business...I cant stand alone time with a person. I hate any form of intimacy. I'll never be comfortable. Will I? How will I know what is safe and when?

Yup. I know I will freak out and think the world is ending if all is peaceful and oh, God do I dare say, 'sane'. I must keep moving and keep working on this part before moving on.... The steps are in this order for a reason.
I hope that by thinking it out and opening myself for constructive criticism, I can guide myself, be guided and of course make sence to another.
Here goes,
I do believe, that with the help and trust of my higher power, I can find peace in my life. I know that after these last few months I had adopted some slogans and incorrporated them into my thoughts and I have, in many situations, used this new way of thinking.
I have taken some, not much, of my own moral inventory, done some 'cleaning out the closet' and evaluated my friendships closer than ever. Years ago, I decided I no longer wanted to be involved in the lives of those who use drugs, drink heavily or gossip frequently about others.

I want peace. I WILL find this! I want to keep friends, allow them to be themselves. I want to make funny faces, laugh out loud, express myself, and I want to be intimate, in any way, with another human being.
I don't need to rescue or look after drinkers anymore. whew. I dont feel like others really think I will just be boring if I want to the zoo rather than sit at a bar.
Anyhoo, I am not sure how strong my work has been on the second step but I am willing to move forward, again. (i flopped on my face at step 4 last time and started over)
I do believe that a power greater than myself is the only way I can find guidance and peace to come to know sanity. And by that time, I will not get scared of serenity.