4:31 PM -
another monday night in Alanon
Current mood: anxious
I am looking forward to mondays now. Step two is a struggle thus far. I am to "Come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity."
As I go through the motions of writing my second step, I wonder... what would it be like to be "restored to sanity". ?
Do I know of any home that was "sane"? Will I freak out if spontaneously there is no crisis to endure, no reaction but simply action on my part? I am so used to bouncing off of others' actions and reacting to them I have no use for down time with others?
It is uncomfortable to me to just be still and calm. My mind wanders and I create crisis to get out. I always keep an out...I always need to stay one step ahead of the alcoholic, or anyone who I care about. Constantly thinking about their next move, or my next defense strategy. I'm exhausted.
This behavior is not working. It has never worked. It sabatoges my relationships. All of them. I need help. And I turn to my God. Yes I really did say that.
My solitude is my calm. The defenses I have errected are no longer useful and I must find a quiet medium. I have to leave the house. I have to be with those I care about, I want to keep them. Somethimes I am really good at getting out. Esp if it will be a busy time to focus on anyone other than myself. Concerts, people watching stuff involving business...I cant stand alone time with a person. I hate any form of intimacy. I'll never be comfortable. Will I? How will I know what is safe and when?
Yup. I know I will freak out and think the world is ending if all is peaceful and oh, God do I dare say, 'sane'. I must keep moving and keep working on this part before moving on.... The steps are in this order for a reason.
I hope that by thinking it out and opening myself for constructive criticism, I can guide myself, be guided and of course make sence to another.
I do believe, that with the help and trust of my higher power, I can find peace in my life. I know that after these last few months I had adopted some slogans and incorrporated them into my thoughts and I have, in many situations, used this new way of thinking.
I have taken some, not much, of my own moral inventory, done some 'cleaning out the closet' and evaluated my friendships closer than ever. Years ago, I decided I no longer wanted to be involved in the lives of those who use drugs, drink heavily or gossip frequently about others.
I want peace. I WILL find this! I want to keep friends, allow them to be themselves. I want to make funny faces, laugh out loud, express myself, and I want to be intimate, in any way, with another human being.
I don't need to rescue or look after drinkers anymore. whew. I dont feel like others really think I will just be boring if I want to the zoo rather than sit at a bar.
Anyhoo, I am not sure how strong my work has been on the second step but I am willing to move forward, again. (i flopped on my face at step 4 last time and started over)
I do believe that a power greater than myself is the only way I can find guidance and peace to come to know sanity. And by that time, I will not get scared of serenity.