Saturday, April 19, 2008

ghosts of relationships past

January 3, 2008 7:35 PM
ghosts of relationships past

Current mood: busy
Category: Writing and Poetry

Like a ghost he came and went.
through the wall we had once been up against.
It never seemed so cold at the time...
I never gave into the this that had become us...
poems unnoticed and songs unsung
go unnoticed

i feel nothing
and that is everything again.

maybe its when the weather is bad
i cant get any colder than the wall I've erected to lean on
to replace him.

I felt once.
and a few more times.
some heat. a taste.
the blood on my lip.
a bitter phone call and old marijuana.

i have nothing.
and that is everything.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Just deserts

Saturday, October 06, 2007 8:27 PM -
Current mood: lonely
Category: Writing and Poetry

Just Deserts
Half of her doesn't even exist.
She stormed in as if she owned the place. All bitchy and flawless.
I rage with jealousy, it consumes me, these perfectly normal wretched beasts of bitches who have it all.
I mean come on. I make some damn good chili. I may not have saltines but I do have tortilla chips with sour cream to scoop it up.
In my opinion, what I have to's way better.
But I'd get some crackers if I'd have a reason to. I've got grape kool-aid to share, and a half a bottle of merlot I opened a week ago.
I'll try. To be better than her.
I must have something desirable to offer, something to bring.
I know I got it...
Something that someone, somewhere can put some effort into even though I'm not willing to offer anything sweet later.
So she can waltz in and take over. Offer more and take control.

I'll wait to share more than dinner, thank you.
I dont know, im just lonely and wish i could snuggle on my couch, but all I was to anyone is...

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

A new reason to put this day in history

It sure does feel good to be out and about with my peeps again.There is life after loss. Life after this last mid Novemeber. Life after we put him to rest.March 2, 2004.
Today I will open my fortune cookie that I got on my way to the funeral 4 years ago.I will go on with my life without guilt because this life is fantastic. its up to me how much i really lose. I always have wanted to be alone on this week of the year. But why? No one understands?

Bullshit. I couldnt have been more wrong and it exploded right in my face, on my shoes and all over my scrubs.
there is life all around us.
Life after great parties, up all night, daydreaming while I should be sleeping, innocently snuggling with strangers and

a normal call shift the morning after can remind me of this fact of life...
Mom, Dad, Unborn child.
too MANY LIVEScan change. Like that.

And I you dont get to do it again. But if I can look back at yesterday knowing I did my best for total strangers. can I say I have done much for those I love?
I didnt think I could do it alone, or with anyone these last few months. I didnt know how to lean, to trust, to grieve so amny things all at once, to know that you guys would be there tomorow if I could not laugh, could not feel my own face, I could not offer anything but little me. So I went away until I could figure out what tomorrow might hold. I thought I'd come back when I'm all better, less stressed and had something to be proud of again. I forgot to offer myself my own tomorrow. waitingwaiting for validation.
But now I know. And now its me again. And I feel just as loved as ever. Showing up alone and proud of it. Happily being fabulous, embracing life despite loss. I couldnt hide from the pain, but I certainly could run from it.
I learned that life happens to EVERYBODY, at all hours of the day. And all we can do is hope we have enough people to operate if needed.
I made a big mistake. One that I had not yet made. And all I can do is look forward and keep my chin in Gods hands if I cant hold it up on my own.
Because being swept away doesnt make the hurt go away for long. Eventually the hurt has to come out. And no one else knows how to hold my head up but me. Those who love me, really do, no matter what kind of crisis I think I have to hide. It's ok to let them see through me.
Thanks to everyone who knew what it means to grieve, to hide, to run away with strangers, to come back when they cant fix it, to everyone who knows how to make good nachos, to the kid who played with my hair without me asking.
and to everyone who listened to my day yesterday until my cell phone died. At least that was all...
I've never in all my life been so scared and so happy in that order in the same two minutes.And everyone made it out alive.
Even me.
"Plan your graduation party with Leeann Chin Delivery."
"You have no problems in your home that you will not be able to solve."

Friday, April 4, 2008

Happy Fucking new year (2003)

Standing on the outside is colder than the feelings I've never had for you.
Frozen in time fluttering
Frostingless flakes falling
like my hands to my sides.
Confetti clumps, soft brown ringlets
of hair
bruising with impact
this memory floats slowly to the ground
sinking with me into the bright white blinding.
I draw.
Conclusions, images, powder in your nose.
I'd seen through your dirty fingers
and my bleeding, pleading elbows.

Lying, so they say,
where I belong.
Wringing my hands in the snow
all I see now
now clumps of hair in my hands.
I can't get rid of this...

And I am
an object stunned
blinking, thinking, wishing you away
This repulsive friendship has gone terribly wrong.

but its gone like the high you are chasing

*This story is not based on actual events. So don't freak out*