Tuesday, April 8, 2008

A new reason to put this day in history

It sure does feel good to be out and about with my peeps again.There is life after loss. Life after this last mid Novemeber. Life after we put him to rest.March 2, 2004.
Today I will open my fortune cookie that I got on my way to the funeral 4 years ago.I will go on with my life without guilt because this life is fantastic. its up to me how much i really lose. I always have wanted to be alone on this week of the year. But why? No one understands?

Bullshit. I couldnt have been more wrong and it exploded right in my face, on my shoes and all over my scrubs.
there is life all around us.
Life after great parties, up all night, daydreaming while I should be sleeping, innocently snuggling with strangers and

a normal call shift the morning after can remind me of this fact of life...
2 MINUTES,
6 BEEPERS,
4 SURGICAL MASKS
Mom, Dad, Unborn child.
too MANY LIVEScan change. Like that.

And I you dont get to do it again. But if I can look back at yesterday knowing I did my best for total strangers. can I say I have done much for those I love?
I didnt think I could do it alone, or with anyone these last few months. I didnt know how to lean, to trust, to grieve so amny things all at once, to know that you guys would be there tomorow if I could not laugh, could not feel my own face, I could not offer anything but little me. So I went away until I could figure out what tomorrow might hold. I thought I'd come back when I'm all better, less stressed and had something to be proud of again. I forgot to offer myself my own tomorrow. waitingwaiting for validation.
But now I know. And now its me again. And I feel just as loved as ever. Showing up alone and proud of it. Happily being fabulous, embracing life despite loss. I couldnt hide from the pain, but I certainly could run from it.
I learned that life happens to EVERYBODY, at all hours of the day. And all we can do is hope we have enough people to operate if needed.
I made a big mistake. One that I had not yet made. And all I can do is look forward and keep my chin in Gods hands if I cant hold it up on my own.
Because being swept away doesnt make the hurt go away for long. Eventually the hurt has to come out. And no one else knows how to hold my head up but me. Those who love me, really do, no matter what kind of crisis I think I have to hide. It's ok to let them see through me.
Thanks to everyone who knew what it means to grieve, to hide, to run away with strangers, to come back when they cant fix it, to everyone who knows how to make good nachos, to the kid who played with my hair without me asking.
and to everyone who listened to my day yesterday until my cell phone died. At least that was all...
I've never in all my life been so scared and so happy in that order in the same two minutes.And everyone made it out alive.
Even me.
"Plan your graduation party with Leeann Chin Delivery."
"You have no problems in your home that you will not be able to solve."

1 comment:

Riana said...

"there is life all around us.
Life after great parties, up all night, daydreaming while I should be sleeping, innocently snuggling with strangers and"

I love this.....you are a beautiful writer...I'd love to hear your words in song..
Keep writing. :)