Wednesday, January 2, 2008

New Years Eve in Alanon

It has been brought to my attention that some folks who loved my blogs on myspace, are missing my alanon writings I use to keep private and for only a few readers.
I will try to incorporate a few of these blogs into my new blogging patterns.
Here is some insight to what it is about, before I begin. I never thought I would be the person to say, this has changed my life. That this has (enter cliche b.s.) in such a way that I KNOW ALREADY I will commit my life, "One day at a time" to these steps. If anyone could read into my past, they will know, I can't commit to going to breakfast tomorrow until it is tomorrow and someone makes me go. I loved my solitude. I depend on no one, no program and certainly no God. Just me.
I had often blogged on myspace about alanon and it's influence. There is much work to do. A lifetime of thinking and changing. Changing my thinking for my lifetime. Changing the life I once loved so much as I began to see the patterns of the relationships I chose...(we wont go there today)

The reading that night left me feeling that, just like every monday for the last 7 months, I didn't want to go. But I knew it would offer some insight. Some direction. Some serentiy. And as usual, I was glad I drug myself out into the cold to make myself better. One day at a time.

Here is the reading in a nut...
" I realized I was listening to Alanons words of hope - hope I began to claim as my own, if I was willing to work the steps. When I felt boxed in by despair, you assured me that no situation is ever hopeless and I could find contentment, despite my mothers drinking." (OMG true)
"When I felt worn out from replaying scenarios in my mind, (me? replay, sha!) I could put my problems in their TRUE perspective and they would begin to lose their power to dominate." (they f-in did!)
"I could take what I'd like and leave the rest." ( of the slogans steps, advice, words)
"You pointed out my choices, when all I'd known were rules and appearances. You claimed that you loved me, even when I HATED myself, and that I would learn to LOVE YOU, too. You offered me hugs, phone numbers, sponsorship, and I'd hadn't 'earned them'
I didnt know what a loving interchange was.
"I didnt know what a loving interchange was, until you took time to SHOW me."
Thanks to alanon, for the persistent repetition of these hope filled words and ACTIONS.
Gradually they came true for me.
They really really did.

"If you try to keep an open mind, you will find help. You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened.

And with all this that I have learned, I have made it through the toughest year I have ever had, ever.
And I know love. Real, unearned, unconditional, guiltless, effortless returned love.

Thank God.
I am writing with tears welling, gratitude doesn't begin to touch what I am feeling. I didnt think I deserved to be truely accepted, to be held without guilt, to be able to call for help, to laugh and cry without judgements and mostly to be understood and guided. All without the promise of anything in return.
I could go on all night...
but i wont.
Its only the beginning!
I let it begin with me by letting go and letting God one day at a time.

1 comment:

Punky Jewster said...

I joined Alanon 9 months ago. With a 3 year old and a 5 day old, my life began again.