Monday, February 18, 2008

Faith vs. Cancer

Our lives can change so dramatically at any time.
I realize I wasted so much time being angry with God for givng my hero cancer.

It wasnt the cancer part that pissed me off.
It was watching a kind, gentle, perfect, loving, and worshiped human being be tortured for nearly 4 years. What kind of god DOES that?
But it was, and I imagine it still is, part of some plan. It took me THIS long to believe again. And I promise to hold strong.

I wish I could reach out to my cousins who are near the same age as my sister and I when my Dad was diagnosed. Just like us, they got this mega bomb dropped on them at such a time of growth and change.
No child/adult should have to figure out what it is like to be alone to pick out houses, change furnace filters, cradle their first baby, get married, get divorced two years later, blah blah, whatever it is...all alone.
But some of us do. and will. And we will be ok. It's finally ok with me that that IS my life. That is REALITY. I accept it now. I am not alone. I am just ON MY OWN.
50 is too young. and 42 is way too young. And it is just not fair.
Anyhoo. I know what they are going to go through together. fucking chemo. popsicles jello. car rides. haircuts.
Their mother is about to go through hell. And I hope it can get better. I hope they can keep their faith and not end up like I was.

We dont chose who come and go from our lives. We can, however, chose who touches us.
I wish I hadnt spent so much of the last..... shit....
7 years so unbelievably angry that I didnt let anyone touch my cold pissed unforgiving little bitchy heart.
I wish I could have held my faith and known I could be this cozy and warm, even in tough times.
I wish there were a way to pass that faith on to my family, without preaching and being a wierdo.

So i'll keep it in my actions and in my heart.
Hope pray give hugs be warm listen
and most of all
dont get angry

eh.. i just needed to ramble. ive got so much more to say.

so ill pass for now.
thanks. for all your prayers over the years.

to everyone i love, i love you.

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