Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Shoe fetish

4:18 AM - Why Adam P. says I'm not worthy of finding true love
Current mood: cold
Category: Writing and Poetry

I remember the embarassment. Of being found out.
To know that someone has seen the places I hide what is most private to me.
I'll come out with everything. My pj's are under my pillow and I am shy when i brush my teeth. I try not to chew doritos in anyone's ears and I swear to tell the truth.
I'll always want to explain myself. To everyone. I'll be found out eventually. I'll start telling everyone everything and hope for the best. I am the daughter who is most hated. I am the failure the fraud and the whore for wearing red hand me down shorts when I was ten. Even though it was my mother who chose my clothing, I was a whore for putting it on.
I use to reach for her in my sleep. And cry when she was not there. I would wait up all night waiting for her to come home and sleep the moment she walked in. Was it comfort or fear? I'm finding out it was both.
I was the girl in class who could not explain my eyes. Who dared not borrow your pencil.
I'll never ask for anything I cannot do myself. I'll never set myself up for that kind of dissapointment and I'll swear to tell you the truth. and duck when you find me out.
I'll find excuses for your every inexcusable behavior and somehow it will all be my fault.
Thank God for my life and thank god that I am here. Thank god that I KNOW without a doubt that anyone I will EVER love will not be there for me tomorrow.
these are the examples I've been shown
take me or leave me. accept me or leave me.
Either way you'll all leave me.
The person you see does not exist. I am nothing but a constant reminder of sadness and my fears are on my sleeves. My loyalty never bends, breaks or fades I'll tolerate anything and it will be all I know.
I have a shoe fetish.
Because I have spent my whole life looking down on myself


Anonymous said...

FUCK ADAM P. Nobody deserves it more.

Anonymous said...

You will have it.