An unedited version of yesterday morning.

It hadnt seemed like 4 years once I got there.

It felt like was the first winter after the March that first brought us here.

Time has gone so fast and not at at...
And so much has changed.
I wanted to tell you I'm sorry, like always do.
I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I couldnt lift you up and out an on and over all this that brought you there,
as if I could ever do enough.
I don't know what sort of Karmic consequence we are suppose to be repaying.

I stepped softly onto the snow that blanketed all that I had hoped to see.
Each careful step breaking through the silence and thin ice.

It's all so quiet. Everyone can hear my silent screaming whispers.
But there is no one around.
Not here or there or home or over the river.
There is no one there.

I feel as if no one remembers your existance, like they have all 'moved on'.
I've become too insecure to speak of my memories.
Is any of this real?
Like we all have to keep quiet and not step out onto the thin ice that covers you.
But fuck it. I dig in, I threw snow, I screamed my little head off inside my little angry hurting head.

And I brought you something.
Lillies. Again.
Waterless and white.
I burried them with you.

Because I want to see them this spring.